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I’d like to thank Jack White and the White Stripes for that intro.  So, as I’ve said before, Hollywood has been stealing ideas from my head and, for lack of a better word, half-assing them.  Aww. But this time I was using my whole ass.  It recently came to my attention that they are now in the process of doing a remake of the Charles Bronson and Jan Michael Vincent classic (it is a classic, don’t try to disagree with me) The Mechanic.  This “gem” is a remake in name only, (I really have no idea what that means.  In truth it’s not a remake at all.  You can put a cat in the oven, and that don’t make it a biscuit. Thank you, Sidney Deane.) and is set to star none other than Mr. Crank, the Transporter, Handsome Rob himself, Jason Statham.  I have nothing against Handsome Rob, I call him that affectionately, I like him as an actor.  The Bank Job was a really good movie, and he’s done others I dig, but this makes it the second time.    Then I find out that there’s a remake of The Boys From Brazil in the works.  That makes four movies/ideas that have been yanked from my brain.  Death Race.  The Incredible Shrinking Man.  The Mechanic.  The Boys From Brazil.  No more I say!  To stop this unwanted invasion of my subconscious I have devised the most diabolic of plans.  I will now focus a great deal of attention on a remake of a movie that shouldn’t be remade, and give it the most preposterous plot.  To this end, I’ve enlisted the help of my friend Mark to teach them a lesson.  Hollywood, steal this!  Now, without further ado, I present to you the brainstorm session for the big budget remake of the Chuck Norris classic (this one’s not really a classic) Missing in Action.     

Jerale: I’m going to starting giving a lot of focus to remaking…  What’s really horrible action or horror movie from the 80’s?

Mark: Missing In Action?

Jerale: Yeah, and I’ll set it in Iraq.

Jerale: They send in an elite group to rescue them, under the cover of silence.  The missing guy has info crucial to the war on terror

Jerale: The leader of the group will be…

Jerale: A pumped up Shia Lebouf

Mark: LOL

Jerale: And when they find the guy it’s Chuck Norris in a cameo

Jerale: And he says something like: “I never thought I’d find myself on this end of a rescue mission.”

Jerale: Ok.  The idea’s out there.  Now all we have to do is sit back and wait

Mark: I can’t wait

Mark: Shia’s no-nonsense sergeant is Wesley Snipes

Jerale: YES!

Mark: We need some expendable privates

Jerale: Will have Brian Singer attached to direct, but will drop out just before filming is set to start and will be replaced by John McTeirnan, Jan De Bont, or Renny Harlin

Jerale: Expendables?  Hurm..

Jerale: We can make Miley Cyrus Chuck’s worrying daughter

Mark: We need a smug Intel officer who backstabs the grunts

Jerale: We’ll get an old school actor in one of those welcome back to the big screen performances

Mark: Intel officer = John Lithgow?

Mark: Ohh, Philip Seymour Hoffman

Jerale: Oh.  He’d be good

Mark: Seedy Intel officers need to be a little soft

Mark: We need a techno-nerd

Mark: All modern action flicks have one

Mark: Jack Black

Jerale: Jonah Hill.  We need one of those guys you look at and say “there’s no way he’d be in the military, much less part of an elite force.”

Mark: Yes!

Mark: He can be a predator pilot

Jerale: LOL

Jerale: Michael Cera can be the new guy fresh outta training on his first real mission

Jerale: Kal Penn as the Iraqi bad guy

Mark: Cera needs to die almost immediately in a comic-tragic manner.  I’m thinking a one liner like, “That’s one small step for man…”  followed by him stepping on a landmine.

Mark: Kal needs to have a crucial goatee and an eyepatch

Jerale: LOL @ Cera

Jerale: Yes!

Jerale: We still need the expendables

Jerale: We need a British , Irish, or Scottish guy, just for flavor

Jerale: If he’s Irish, demolitions.  Scottish, heavy machine gun.  British, recon

Jerale: Casey Affleck as the Sarge’s next in command

Jerale: The Rock as a local freedom fighter that leads the group in, but turns on them at the end

Mark: Or vice versa

Mark: He could be CIA undercover as Al Quaeda

Jerale: Ooh.  That’s good

Jerale: Covert name: The Sand Worm.  Secret phrase: “The spice is life.”

Mark: Ha ha

Mark: Nerd shoutout!

Jerale: LOL

Mark: Jonah, the techno-nerd gave him the nickname, since he’s a big Herbert fan

Mark: This is golden

Jerale: Nick Cannnon as Doc

Jerale: John Cusak as the president.  He‘s the one that has to make the call to do the bomb drop if they aren’t out of the hot zone by 1300 hours.

Mark: Nice.  I also want Viggo Mortensen as the drill instructor for the squad when they first get to training.

Jerale: I can dig it

So, there you have it, in all its glory.  Hope you learned your lesson Hollywood.  Just be cool and wait for me to bring the ideas to you.  I’m not promising I can deliver gold, but I can definitely do better than the zinc you have been getting. 

 

JeraleC

Mindseyechronicles@comcast.net

Update: There is now an MIA remake in the works executive produced by Michael Bay, complete with jive talking robots

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