PHANTOM FICTION

Story By: George Lucas

Directed By: Quentin Tarantino

EXT.  OUTER SPACE- MACE WINFIELD AND YODA’S SPACE FIGHTER.

MACE

                So, tell me again about Mos Eisley’s.

YODA

                Like to know would you, yes?

MACE

                Hash is legal there, right?

YODA

                Legal, but not hundred percent, yes.  Walk in to restaurant you cannot and roll a joint.  Smoke it in your home and certain places you can. 

MACE

                And those are the hash bars?

YODA

                Breaks down like this it does.  Legal to buy it is, yes.  Legal to smoke.  Legal to carry, too. 

MACE

                Ah’m goin’!  That’s all there is to it, man, I’m fuckin’ goin’. 

YODA

                Go.  Dig it you will, yes.  Funny thing about Tatooine there is.  Little differences there are.  Know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese, do you? 

MACE

                They don’t call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese? 

YODA

                Metric system they have.  Not fuckin’ know quarter pounder they do. 

MACE

                Then what do they call it? 

YODA

                Cheese Royale.

MACE

                What do they call a Big Mac. 

YODA

                Still Big Mac it is.  Funny thing they do to french fries.  Mayonnaise they use, yes. 

EXT.  BATTLESHIP

MACE

                Man, we should have lightsabers for this kinda job.

YODA

                How many inside are there, hmm? 

MACE

                ‘Bout three or four.

YODA

                Counting our guy is that?

MACE

                Not sure.

YODA

                Could be up to five, yes?

MACE

                It’s possible. 

YODA

                Hmmph!  Lightsabers we should have fucking brought.

INT.  FEDERATION TRADE BATTLESHIP.

                Inside the Federation Trade Battleship, there are two Battle Droids and one Gungan, Jar Jar Binks. 

MACE

                Evenin’, gentlemen.  We’re associates of the Jedi Council.  You do remember the council don’t you?  Why don’t you tell Yoda where the shit is hid at. 

BATTLE DROID

                Roger.  Roger.  It’s in the compartment. 

BATTLE DROID 2

                I didn’t get your name.  I got yours, Yoda.  But I didn’t get yours.  Over.

MACE

                My name’s Mace, and I’m about to shove this blaster in your face. 

BATTLE DROID 2

                I’m sorry that things got so fucked up between us and the Jedi Council.  The Trade Federation had the best intentions, really…

                Mace blasts both of the Battle Droids.  At that time, another Battle Droid burst from the maintenance room and shoots at Mace and Yoda.  It misses them both.  They responded by blowing the droid into spare parts.

                Mace looks at the holes in the wall, while Yoda talks to Jar Jar.

YODA

                Tell us not there was some one in maintenance room.  Slip your mind, did it?   Forget that droid was in there with blaster, did you? 

MACE

                Did you see the size of the blaster that droid had?  It was bigger than him.  We should be fuckin’ dead man. 

YODA

                Mmm.  Lucky we was, yes. 

MACE

                Nah nah nah.  That shit wasn’t luck.  That was the Force.  Do you know what the Force is? 

YODA

                Yes.  Mystical energy redirected laser blast? 

MACE

                That’s right!  Mystical energies redirected those Goddamned laser blasts! 

YODA

                Going we should be, yes? 

MACE

                Don’t do that!  Don’t fuckin’ blow this shit off! 

YODA

                Happens it does. 

MACE

                Wrong!  Wrong!  This shit doesn’t just happen! 

YODA

                Want to continue this conversation with Sith Lords, do you? 

MACE

                What just happened here means that one of us has the Force, and I want you to fuckin’ acknowledge it! 

YODA

                Have the Force we might.  Go now, yes? 

MACE

To Jar Jar

                Let’s go, Gungan.  C’mon. 

INT.  MACE AND YODA’S SPACE FIGHTER 

YODA

                Hmm.  Ever seen Stormtroopers, have you?  Watch them I did once.  Shoot lots.  Hit nothing.  Happens it does. 

MACE

                Look, you wanna play blind man go scavenge with the Jawas, but me, my eyes are wide fuckin’ open.  From here on in, I’m gonna be a hermit.

YODA

                Jar Jar, what think you of this? 

JAR JAR

                Mesa don kno…  [Blaster fire]

MACE

                What the fuck’s goin’ on, Yoda? 

YODA

                Hmm.  Blasted Jar Jar I did. 

MACE

                What the fuck you do that for? 

YODA

                Not mean to.  Fighter must have hit cosmic rays. 

MACE

                Look, Yoda, the space fighter didn’t hit no motherfuckin’ cosmic rays! 

YODA

                Not mean to kill him!  Where transmitting are you?

MACE

                My partner on Naboo.  Man, if Luke’s ass ain’t home I don’t know what the fuck we gonna do’ cause I ain’t got no more partners in this system.  Yo, Luke, it’s Mace.  Me and my homey’s in some serious shit.  We’re in a fighter and gotta get away from this planet.  I wanna know If we can drop by your place?  Cool. 

INT.  LUKE SKYWALKER’S PLACE

LUKE

                Hey, not so many food sticks! 

YODA

                Mine!  Mine!  Mine! 

MACE

                Damn, Luke, these are really good food sticks.  Me and Yoda would’ve been satisfied with some freeze dried rations. 

LUKE

                Don’t tell me how fuckin’ good my food sticks are!  I’m the one that buys them.  I know how fuckin’ goo they are.  When Mara Jade goes shopping she buys shit.  I buy the gourmet expensive food sticks cause when I eat ‘em I want to taste ‘em.  What’s on my mind right now ain’t the food sticks in your hand, it’s the dead Gungan in my space dock! 

MACE

                Oh, Luke.  Don’t even trip on that. 

LUKE

                Let me ask you something.  When you flew down here, did you see a sign above my house that said dead Gungan storage? 

MACE

                You know I didn’t see no sign.  

LUKE

                You know why?  Cause it ain’t there, ’cause storing dead Gungan’s ain’t my fuckin’ business that’s why!  You know if Anakin came home and found a dead Gungan in my house he’d turn to the darkside!  No fightin’ his fear or hiding his emotions!  He’d fuckin’ turn to the darkside!  And I don’t want him to turn to the darkside!  Look, I wanna help you two, but I don’t wanna lose Anakin doing it. 

MACE

                That’s Max Rebo and the Band.  We don’t wanna fuck yo’ shit up.  We just wanna call our guys and get ‘em to bring us in that’s all. 

LUKE

                You don’t wanna fuck my shit up!  You’re fuckin’ my shit up right now!  You’re gonna fuck my shit up big time if Annie gets home!  The transmitter’s in the other room, I suggest you get to it. 

INT. LUKE’S HOUSE- OTHER ROOM.

QUEEN AMIDALA

                So, what do you think he’ll do when he gets home?  No fuckin’ shit he’ll turn to the darkside!  You know him I don’t, how much, a lot or a little? 

MACE

                You have to appreciate what an explosive element this Anakin Skywalker situation is.  He comes home from a hard day slavin’ and finds a dead Gungan in his house, there ain’t know tellin’ how fast he’ll convert. 

QUEEN AMIDALA

                I understand that, Mace.  My people elected me to contemplate the ifs. 

MACE

                Look, I don’t wanna hear about no motherfuckin’ ifs!  All I wanna hear from yo ass is, “you ain’t got no problems, Mace.  Ah’m on the motherfucker.  Go back in there, chill them aliens out and wait for the cavalry which should be comin’ directly.” 

QUEEN AMIDALA

                You do not have any problems, Mace.  Go back in there and chill those aliens out. The Droids will be coming directly. 

MACE

                You sendin’the Droids? 

QUEEN AMIDALA

                Do you feel better, motherfucker? 

MACE

                Shit, Queeny, that’s all you had to say. 

                Some time later. 

DROIDS

                You’re Luke?  This is your place?  I’m C3PO, human cyborg problem solver, and  this is R2 D2.  We solve problems.  May we come in?  You must be Yoda, that would make you Mace.  Let’s get down to nuts and bolts.  If we were informed correctly the clock is ticking.  Luke, your father Anakin comes home at 9:30?  We were told if he finds us here he would turn to the darkside? 

LUKE

                That’s correct. 

DROIDS

                That gives us forty five minutes, which if you do what we say when we say it should be plenty.  Now, you have a dead Gungan in a fighter in a space dock, take us to it. 

                Minutes later. 

DROIDS

                First things first.  You two, grab a cleaning droid and clean the fighter.  We’re talking fast, fast, fast.  Go in the back seat, suck up all those little piece of ash.  Get it out of there.  Luke, R2 and I are going to need some replacement parts.  We’ll need bolts, we’ll need coils, we’ll need rods, we’ll need wires.  The newer the better, the stronger the better.  Nothing rusted.  Can’t use them.  Luke, lead the way.  Boys, get to work. 

YODA

                Nice a please would be. 

DROIDS

                How rude.  R2 and I aren’t here to say please.  We’re here to tell you what to do, so do it.  Do you believe him R2?

                Droids and Luke walk away. 

YODA

To Mace

                Look at me not like that.  Feel your look I can. 

 INT.  LUKE’S BEDROOM.

LUKE

                I got everything that you asked for, but…  These are parts are from my old R5D4 that I got from Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.  They’re no longer with us and… 

DROIDS

                My word!  Let me ask you a question, Luke.  Were your Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru millionaires? 

LUKE

                No. 

DROIDS

                Well, Queen Amidala is.  And I’m sure that if Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were here, they would buy you your very own habitat, which Queen Amidala is more than happy to provide.  I have a Moisture Farm myself, that’s what I have.  How about you Luke?  Do you like Moisture Farms? 

LUKE

                They’re nice. 

INT.  LUKE’S SPACEDOCK- MACE/YODA SPACE FIGHTER. 

MACE

                Man, I will never forgive your ass for this shit.  This is some fucked up repugnant shit. 

YODA

                Heard philosophy have you, once admitted wrong completely forgiven of all wrong doing one is? 

MACE

                Who ever came up with that idea never had to sweep up little bitty pieces of Gungan ash on account of yo’ dumb ass. 

YODA

                Threshold for abuse I have.  Death Star I am with open vent shaft.  Say I am that I could blow. 

MACE

                You ready to blow?  Well Ah’m an asteroid blasting motherfucker, motherfucker!  Everytime my fingers touch ash, ah’m a disintegratin’ bounty hunter!  Ah’m the guns of the Empire!   In fact, what the fuck am I doin’ back here?  You the motherfucker that should be on ash detail!  We switchin’! 

INT. MOS EISLEY CANTINA

                Yoda and Mace are inside the Cantina having a few drinks. 

YODA

                Want mynock, do you? 

MACE

                Naw, man, I don’t eat mynock. 

YODA

                Nabooan you are? 

MACE

                Naw, I ain’t Nabooan, I just don’t dig on mynock that’s all.  See, mynocks are filthy animals.  I don’t eat filthy animals. 

YODA

                Mmm.  Good, mynock taste.  Nokchops, too. 

MACE

                Hey, womp rats may taste like pumpkin pie but I’d never know ’cause I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfuckers.  Mynocks sleep and root inside giant space worms.  That’s a filthy animal.  I ain’t eatin’ nothin’ that ain’t got sense enough to disregard feces. 

YODA

                What about Ewok?  Ewoks eat feces. 

MACE

                I don’t eat Ewok neither. 

YODA

                Is Ewok filthy animal?  Hmm? 

MACE

                Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to call a Ewok filthy, but they’re definitely dirty.  Ewoks have got personality, personality goes a long way. 

YODA

                Hmm.  Your rationale, better personality not filthy animal, yes? 

MACE

                He’d hafta be one charmin’ motherfuckin’ Ewok.  He’d have to be ten times more charming than Wicket. 

YODA

                Take a shit I will. 

                Soon after Yoda leaves to take a shit.  Greedo stands on top of the bar and announces a robbery. 

GREEDO

                Everybody be cool this is a robbery!  My friend and I are dangerous men!  We’re wanted on twelve systems!  You’ll be careful, or you’ll be dead!  In other words, any of you fucking pigs move and we’ll execute every last one of you! 

 

He and an other man, move among the crowded cantina taking the aliens money and belongings.  They approach Mace. 

GREEDO

                 You’re a Jedi, aren’t you?  In the bag. 

                Mace drops his belongings in the bag.  As he does, he pulls his blaster out from under the table with his other hand, and puts it under Greedo’s chin. 

 

                 Greedo sits down across from Mace. 

 MACE

                Do you know the Jedi code?  Well, there’s this passage I’ve got memorized that sums up what you’re doing.  Jedi Code 25:17.  “Fear is the path to the Darkside.  Fear leads to anger.  Anger leads to hate.  Hate leads to suffering.”  I’ve been sayin’ that shit for years.  Never gave much thought as to what it meant.  But, now I’m thinkin’ it means:  Being afraid and giving in to your fear is the step down the road to the Darkside. 

                Yoda is out of the bathroom and is pointing a gun at the Walrus Man. 

                Be cool, Yoda.  Be cool.  We just talkin’.  Now, you saw me as the perfect opportunity for advancement, didn’t you.  Nobody steals from a Jedi, much less some cheap bounty hunter working for Jabba.  Thought you’d make the big times like Dengar, IG-88, or Boba Fett.  Wanted this pretty bad, huh?

GREEDO

                I’ve waited a long time for this. 

MACE

                Yeah, I bet you have. 

                Mace blasts Greedo.  Greedo’s partner turns and fires on Mace.  Mace uses the Force to redirect all of his blasts. 

WALRUS MAN

                I-I don’t believe…

YODA

                That is why you fail. 

                Yoda blasts him. 

YODA

                Going we should be. 

MACE

                Yeah, that’s probably a good idea. 

THE END

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